A Christmas Letter
Tony Boswell © 2003

At the end of the year most of us receive several of those letter from extended family members and friends who feel that they must tell you every damned thing that they did over the last 365 day. They often start with an apology like, “Sorry this is so late getting to you,” or “Been so busy that we almost didn’t get these mailed out in time.” These statements implying that your holidays just wouldn’t have been the same had you not known that Uncle George’s gallbladder had swollen to the size of a cantaloupe. Well here is a letter you can feel free to copy and send back. Rather than wasting a half of a day trying to remember what song little Suzie sang in the kindergarten play last April, simply adopt this family as your own or feel free to insert names of people of your choice. Drop them into an email or a good old-fashioned mailbox and go and start your holiday festivities a little earlier on me.

Well, another year has come and gone. There's lots to tell you all about so here goes.

Dad finally took the wheels off the trailer. Now it really does feel like home. He's promised running water by spring. We have such a beautiful spot here. If you are coming from town, turn left at the Kum&Go and we're about 50 feet further on. We're on top of the cement slab that used to be the Kinney's Shoe store that burned down back in '83. If we can hold onto it for 8 more weeks we will have legal squatter's rights. And they can't ever take that away from us. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and my eyes peeled.

Bobby got his heart broken when he and Susie split up. There back to just being brother and sister again. I guess their true love wasn't powerful enough to overcome sibling rivalry. The folks from the Jerry Springer show have stopped calling for the time being. Now we'll just have to hang our hopes on Uncle Jane. He's still saving up to finish his "procedure". We figure about 2 hundred more pints of blood ought to do it.

Little Billy lost another tooth earlier this week. That's three this month. This one was in a bar fight. Well, it wasn't technically a BAR fight, it happened at church during services but they WERE drunk. The Reverend ought to know better than to call Billy out when he's been drinking. Mrs. MacIntyre did the same thing (she's responsible for the other two teeth) Billy says she got the worst of it though. I don't know if he's just bragging or not since nobody's seen her in a couple of weeks.

I'm still looking for work myself. Not having much luck though. I tell you, you cause one minor industrial accident and people treat you like you've got the plague or something. They all know that I was just about the only person that WASN'T infected. You'd think they'd have been busting down MY door. I suppose that as long as Granddaddy's checks keep coming we'll be okay. It's hard to believe that he's been gone 18 years now. Damned shoe store fire.

The twins have been down to the hospital at least half a dozen times over the last couple of months. Nothing seems to be wrong but those fools from the medical journals just can't stop taking pictures. They're thinking of naming the condition after them. I tell you I have never seen two twins with such different personalities. But I just haven't got the heart (or the money) to separate them.

Aunt Jennie is going to be coming home in a week or two. We are all just so proud of her. If you haven't heard she got her parole on the first try. It just goes to show you that good behavior does pay off. She never said quit and she's sorry for what she did. That's all that matters. Damned shoe store fire.

Our youngest one, April, is doing fine. She is getting bigger every day. Last Thursday we went down to the trucker scales by the interstate and, hold onto your hats, she officially broke the 400-pound mark. Let me tell you we did some celebrating that day. She is now wholeheartedly going for the record.

I guess that's about all for now. We just want to wish everyone Happy Holidays and have a great New Year. It's hard to imagine how things could get much better than they are but I guess we're just lucky.

Please feel free to send us letters listing in excruciating detail all of the minutia of your lives for the past year.

Bye All