That Piss Me Off
Tony Boswell © 2003
over 30 who says Dude.
who still do the soul handshake.
you shake hands with an older guy and he won't let go the whole time
he talks to you.
you go to shake someone's hand and they grab on too quickly so you end
up giving the limp noodle handshake.
towns with signs like, "Home of the 1957 Boys Division 5C High
School Lacrosse State Runners Up". Get over it.
who decorate a bush with 2 measly strands of Christmas lights so that
it looks like a bald guy comb over.
who park between two spaces in the parking lot.
over 20 that says dude.
that don't put Men or Women on their bathroom doors. Your bladder explodes
while you try to decide if you're a Kangaroo or a Wallaby.
commercials. They should be calling you.
Loder on MTV passing himself off as cool when he's older than Keith
women in Spandex. Why do they make them larger than size 10?
who play their car radio so loud we can all hear what bad taste they
have in music.
walking around in full NBA uniforms. I don't know whether to hit them
with a bounce pass or give them trick or treat candy.
who have roaches but pretend they don't. The roaches could be 6' tall
with bandoleers and Mexican accents, playing poker in the corner. "Aw,
no, those are June bugs."
who keep making things up - wind chill factor, comfort index, dew point,
black ice. Just tell me the temperature.
stations for still setting the price of gas with the extra .9 cents.
$1.49 9/10. They should have a "need a tenth of penny/leave a tenth
of penny" cup by the cash register.
that says Dude.
you prepay for your gas and the last 10 cents takes as long as the first
$9.90. You should be able to pay them that way. Give them $9.90 really
fast and then slowly hand them 10 pennies… one at a time.
phones. We don't want or need to hear your personal shit. We're very
impressed that you can afford $25 a month. It doesn't matter what you
are saying, you could be talking a passenger through landing a 747 and
all we would hear is that you want everyone to know that you have a
dumb people. Get rid of warning labels. If a toaster has a label that
says not to use it in the bathtub and you read that and go, "Oh!"
don't reproduce. Stop diluting the gene pool.
who leave religious tracts at the urinals in public bathrooms. I was
saved when I realized I was a kangaroo.
who cough when you're smoking. Hey with that cough you've got, it's
a good thing you don't smoke.
miles of construction barrels along the highway and no construction.
Is this so the guys in orange vests have somewhere to stand around and
smoke? Maybe it's cheaper than warehousing the barrels.
who don't give you the "Thank You Wave" when you let them
in, in traffic. You should be able to just ram them.
who drive the wrong way down the lane in the parking lot. You should
be able to just ram them.
who say exspecially when they mean especially. You should be able to
just ram them.
who say acrost when they mean across.
over 25 who says, "Don't go there."
over 50, exspecially if they're driving.
who give you your change and pile your coins on top of your bills.
groups that call themselves bands even though none of them can play
who honk at you if you don't move in the first nanosecond after the
light turns green.
who don't move in the first nanosecond after the light turns green.
fact that I had to add this last thing so that there would be an even
40 items in this list.