Things That Piss Me Off
Tony Boswell 2003

  1. Anyone over 30 who says Dude.
  2. People who still do the soul handshake.
  3. When you shake hands with an older guy and he won't let go the whole time he talks to you.
  4. When you go to shake someone's hand and they grab on too quickly so you end up giving the limp noodle handshake.
  5. Small towns with signs like, "Home of the 1957 Boys Division 5C High School Lacrosse State Runners Up". Get over it.
  6. People who decorate a bush with 2 measly strands of Christmas lights so that it looks like a bald guy comb over.
  7. People who park between two spaces in the parking lot.
  8. Anyone over 20 that says dude.
  9. Restaurants that don't put Men or Women on their bathroom doors. Your bladder explodes while you try to decide if you're a Kangaroo or a Wallaby.
  10. Psychic commercials. They should be calling you.
  11. Kurt Loder on MTV passing himself off as cool when he's older than Keith Richards.
  12. Fat women in Spandex. Why do they make them larger than size 10?
  13. Guys who play their car radio so loud we can all hear what bad taste they have in music.
  14. Kids walking around in full NBA uniforms. I don't know whether to hit them with a bounce pass or give them trick or treat candy.
  15. People who have roaches but pretend they don't. The roaches could be 6' tall with bandoleers and Mexican accents, playing poker in the corner. "Aw, no, those are June bugs."
  16. Weathermen who keep making things up - wind chill factor, comfort index, dew point, black ice. Just tell me the temperature.
  17. Gas stations for still setting the price of gas with the extra .9 cents. $1.49 9/10. They should have a "need a tenth of penny/leave a tenth of penny" cup by the cash register.
  18. Anyone that says Dude.
  19. When you prepay for your gas and the last 10 cents takes as long as the first $9.90. You should be able to pay them that way. Give them $9.90 really fast and then slowly hand them 10 pennies… one at a time.
  20. Cell phones. We don't want or need to hear your personal shit. We're very impressed that you can afford $25 a month. It doesn't matter what you are saying, you could be talking a passenger through landing a 747 and all we would hear is that you want everyone to know that you have a cell phone.
  21. Protecting dumb people. Get rid of warning labels. If a toaster has a label that says not to use it in the bathtub and you read that and go, "Oh!" don't reproduce. Stop diluting the gene pool.
  22. People who leave religious tracts at the urinals in public bathrooms. I was saved when I realized I was a kangaroo.
  23. Non-smokers who cough when you're smoking. Hey with that cough you've got, it's a good thing you don't smoke.
  24. Mock turtlenecks.
  25. Ten miles of construction barrels along the highway and no construction. Is this so the guys in orange vests have somewhere to stand around and smoke? Maybe it's cheaper than warehousing the barrels.
  26. People who don't give you the "Thank You Wave" when you let them in, in traffic. You should be able to just ram them.
  27. People who drive the wrong way down the lane in the parking lot. You should be able to just ram them.
  28. People who say exspecially when they mean especially. You should be able to just ram them.
  29. People who say acrost when they mean across.
  30. Anyone over 25 who says, "Don't go there."
  31. Anyone under 25.
  32. Anyone over 50, exspecially if they're driving.
  33. Cashiers who give you your change and pile your coins on top of your bills.
  34. Republicans.
  35. Most Democrats.
  36. Boy bands.
  37. Singing groups that call themselves bands even though none of them can play an instrument.
  38. People who honk at you if you don't move in the first nanosecond after the light turns green.
  39. People who don't move in the first nanosecond after the light turns green.
  40. The fact that I had to add this last thing so that there would be an even 40 items in this list.